This is my first post on this blog. I am hoping to set this up as reflections on my recovery process. I struggle with addiction among another mental health issue. My Sobriety date is August 30, 2014. Today I am on day ten. I am finally getting my life together and have put structure by going to support groups, AA meetings, connecting with people, writing and art. I really enjoy writing so decided I will reflect on my recovery in blog form.
At one of the meetings, I went to Saturday morning, I was given a grapevine. I read an article in it called “Morning Never Came: A sponsor’s tragic tale reveals the cunning power of alcohol.” It talked about a women who came into AA, stayed sober for a month and went back out. When her sponsor checked on her she was really sick and didn’t want to go to the hospital. They agreed to meet in the morning, but morning never came. She had died of alcohol poisoning.
This article really hit me because I have been in and out of the program for a while. Sometimes I seem to think I am invincible which I know logically is not true. I need to focus on my recovery because if I am not sober I don’t have anything and addiction can kill when you least expect it.
I was at a meeting recently where a relative of an addict talked about her cousin dying due to this disease. It is very scary.
I recently found out about a friend of mine who really help me when I sobered up the first time. I didn’t call her sponsor at the time but in a way she was. She had a few years in recovery went to school and started helping people with addictions and she relapsed. I had not heard from her and years and wondered if she was dead or alive. It was interesting because I recently was talking to someone about wondering where she was. I found out that she is rough shape but is alive and reaching out for help.
I was so grateful to here that but sad at the same time. Addiction is a nasty disease.
My addict voice can get strong sometimes. I have to talk to someone about my thoughts or they will consume me. Sometimes hearing other addicts stories trigger me and I think “I’m not that bad.” My addict voice starts thinking well maybe “you can lose weight if you go back to your addiction.” I been known to compare myself to others but not on a good way and my addiction voice says, “you never used this, you never tried that.” Logically I know that I am sick and why would I want to be sicker but my addiction voice tries to trick me all the time. “Just one” it says. It’s never just one. I never was able to understand the person who buys a glass of wine and has it sitting at the table all meal and doesn’t even finish it. To me I don’t see the point of one glass of wine, yet my mind tells me I can control it and only have one.
Addiction is definitely “cunning, baffling, and powerful.” I have to keep reminding myself that my addiction is out to get me and trick me. I have been trying to stay sober but it has been really hard.
I want to be strong and do this on my own but I know I can’t because I have tried many times and still relapsed.
I recently got out of a 10 week treatment program and I learned a lot but it is much harder to put recovery into practice in the real world. I had 71 days clean and sober when I was in treatment the longest clean time since My relapse cycle started a year and half ago. This disease is powerful. I had four years where I was doing well, went back to school, travelled. Yet I relapsed and relapsed harder then before. They say each relapse is worse and I can agree with that. Sometimes my brain thinks I am in control and rationalize everything. “It’s just alcohol,” it says. Yet that kept me drinking. Sometimes I can control it somewhat and then I think I am ok but in the end my life is unmanageable and I am out of control.
Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives have become unmanageable.”
I knew my life was unmanageable for a long time but admitting alcohol was the problem was hard. I know that alcohol just causes problems for me. Every time I g out I think it will be different. Insanity- “doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.” I think that I will be able to get other substances that I want that I will have a fun time, that I won’t end up in high risk situations. Yet I have the same patterns. I expect different results but they are always the same patterns. sometimes not right away but it always ends up there. Yet I think it will be different this time.
I even see this with addiction to nicotine. I want to stop smoking and even this morning I was thinking I will stop smoking but got really irritable and needed a smoke walked to the store to buy a new pack. I felt better right away and its sad because I hate smoking but I go through withdrawal if I don’t. Same thing with alcohol or other substances. I hate addiction with a passion. Well I am leaving to go to a support group so I will come back and post more reflections later.